


Is losing me such a big relief?

by youcanbekingagain



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:58:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1726970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youcanbekingagain/pseuds/youcanbekingagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“There’s… photos.” Nick finally said, with a grimace. “Of us. Together. Your people probably already know about it.” Harry froze. There was silence for a few moments as Harry let Nick’s words sink in.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Photos? Like what?” Harry asked, even though he already knew what the photos would be. Nick wouldn’t be having a mild panic attack over some shots of the two of them shopping in Asda together. </i>
</p><p> </p><p>(This is my un-beta'd and soppy first attempt at writing Gryles so bear with me. Also, written before actual leaked footage of 1D published in The Sun and written before Niall's charity football match)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is losing me such a big relief?

_I’m going to kill him,_ Harry thought to himself as he hammered on Nick’s door for the sixth time. It was barely 5 in the morning, the sky a murky grey overhead as Harry stood on Nick’s doorstep, clutching a huge duffel bag and two smaller bags in one hand, balancing a tray of coffees in the other.

“For fuck’s sake.” He grumbled, awkwardly rearranging the bags so he could pull his phone out and ring Nick again. Harry had just landed, his latest trip to LA cut short because of some last-minute studio stuff later that day, and Nick was supposed to get up early to let him in. He’d fallen into the habit of staying anywhere other than the million-pound house he’d been talked into buying a few months ago, and Nick’s was his top choice for where to crash. He’d specifically booked himself a flight that got him back to London in time for Nick to head off to work, enjoying the thought of curling up in Nick’s bed for a few hours until he had to head off to the studio. He managed to dial Nick again and was just about to leave an angry voicemail when the door swung open.

“About time! I was starting to think-” Harry cut off as he caught sight of Nick. For someone who woke up at half 5 in the morning every single weekday, Nick still hadn’t quite gotten used to his early starts. He always managed to look like he’d had absolutely no sleep, at least until he’d had his daily Starbucks. But this was something completely different. Nick’s hair was erratic, shooting off in all directions where he’d clearly been running his hands through it. His skin was grey with heavy bags under wide, tired-looking eyes and he was still wearing an old shirt that he’d clearly slept in.

“Fuck, Grimmy, are you alright?”

“Hey, Haz.” Nick said softly, standing back to let Harry in. He looked exhausted. Harry stared at him for a few seconds before heading through the door and into Nick’s flat.

“What’s going on?” Harry demanded, dumping his bags on the living room floor and turning to face Nick. Nick just sighed and grabbed one of the coffees, slumping down onto the sofa.

“Something’s happened.” Nick finally muttered, staring the floor. He took a long slurp of the drink as Harry watched him studiously. Harry had never seen Nick seem so... apprehensive. Not around Harry anyway. Ever since the first moment they’d met they’d been instantly comfortable around each other. Even when things had gotten a bit weird between them, Harry still felt more comfortable around Nick than anyone else in the world.

It felt alien to Harry.

“Okay.” He sat down next to Nick and tried to ignore how hard his heart was beating. “Okay. What is it?” Nick didn’t say anything and Harry sighed, leaning across to press a gentle finger to Nick’s cheek. “You look like you haven’t slept.” He said, slightly accusingly.

“I’ve been up since 2.” Nick admitted, moving away from Harry’s touch and still staring at the floor. “I had Jen ringing me.” Harry exhaled shakily. Jen was Nick’s publicist, and for her to ring him at stupid-o-clock in the morning couldn’t be good.

“What for? What is it?” Harry urged. Nick rubbed a hand across his face exasperatedly.

“There’s… photos.” Nick finally said, with a grimace. “Of us. Together. Your people probably already know about it.” Harry froze. There was silence for a few moments as Harry let Nick’s words sink in.

“Photos? Like what?” Harry asked, even though he already knew what the photos would be. Nick wouldn’t be having a mild panic attack over some shots of the two of them shopping in Asda together.

“I don’t really know, I haven’t seen them yet. But they sound bad.”

“How bad?”

“Bad.”

“Okay.” Harry nodded slowly. He suddenly felt the need to be stood up. The room was too warm and Harry needed to move. Nick jumped slightly as Harry abruptly got to his feet. “So what’s happening? Has a newspaper got them?”

“Some insider at The Sun told Jen about it. They bought the photos last night and they’re in today’s paper. By midday everyone will have them.” Harry just nodded some more. That made sense.

“Yeah. The Sun. Yeah.” Of course The Sun would have the photos. They’d sack every person that worked there to afford the money to be the highest bidder for photos like that. Harry ran a hand through his hair and paced across to the patio doors and then back again. “So what happens now?”

“I dunno.” Nick admitted. “Jen’s going crazy. She’s been trying to stop them being published but there’s nothing she can do. She said your management would have better luck. I think she expects Simon Cowell to personally shut The Sun down or something.”

“I haven’t heard anything.” Harry pulled his phone out of his pocket, but there were no messages from any of his PR team. He paced across the room again.

“Maybe they don’t know yet.” Nick suggested. “Jen only knows because she pays some guy on the showbiz column to be her spy. Is there someone you should ring?”

Harry hesitated. He probably should ring someone. If his PR team didn’t already know, then they needed to as soon as possible. He ran his hands through his hair again, staring out of the patio doors.

“Fuck.”

 

*

 

Harry ended up locking himself away in Nick’s bathroom, ringing Sophie, one of the kinder publicists that worked for them. She didn’t seem too pleased to be woken up at such a stupid time of the morning, grumbling into the phone that she was asleep and _couldn’t it wait?_ But as soon as Harry said the words ‘leaked photos’ she immediately jumped into business mode, asking him 101 questions that he just didn’t know the answer to. Harry paced around the bathroom as they spoke, too on edge to stay still.

“So, what _exactly_ are you and Nick Grimshaw doing in these photos?” She asked for the tenth time. They’d been on the phone for what felt like forever, which seemed like wasted time to Harry. Why wasn’t she doing something about it instead of interrogating him?

“I told you, I don’t know.” Harry sighed. “Neither of us has seen them.”

“But what could they be?”

“What do you mean?” Harry frowned.

“Well,” Sophie paused. “I’m going to be blunt here, Harry. Are they likely to be of a sexual nature?”

“I’m guessing so.” Harry responded curtly. “Or I wouldn’t be ringing you this early in the morning.”

Sophie spluttered. “So-so you are dating Nick Grimshaw?” She sounded incredulous.

Harry sighed again. “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“But you were?” She pressed.

“Um. I guess so. I don’t know.”

“Right.” There was a pause as Harry heard tapping at a keyboard in the background. “Well, um, I need to sort some things out. I’ll ring you back later and let you know what’s happening. But you realise I can’t stop these photos from getting out now, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Harry had known it was too late from the second he’d heard about the photos. He knew there was no stopping them being published, but he needed some sort of damage control in the form of the best publicists money can buy. They said their goodbyes and hung up, with Sophie promising to call him as soon as there was any sort of plan in place. Harry knew the best he could hope for was for either him or Nick to be slightly unrecognisable, at least enough to plant doubt that it was them. 

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and then sank down onto the floor, leaning again the bathtub. He let out a long, shaky breath. How could this be happening? Why now? It had been months since he and Nick had ended whatever it was that they had. Why did it all have to be dragged back up again now? Harry could probably deal with people knowing he’s gay, and he could probably even deal with people knowing that he and Nick had had _something,_ whatever it was. But he couldn’t deal with having to publically explain how wrong things between them had gone. He couldn’t relive it.

“Harry?” Nick called softly through the door. Harry stood up, surprised to realise his eyes had welled up. He wiped furiously at them before unlocking the door to find a fully dressed Nick stood before him.

“I have to get to work.” Nick said, almost apologetically. “How did it go?”

“They’re dealing with it.” Harry shrugged. “They’re pretty good, I’m sure they’ll figure something out.”

“Did they… are you in trouble? With your management?”

“Probably.” Harry couldn’t lie to Nick. There’d be no point anyway, Nick knew what Harry’s management was like, and he knew Harry well enough to know when he was lying.

“Right.” Nick hesitated awkwardly. “Well. I need to go. Are you going to hang out here?” Harry nodded. “There’s food and stuff in the kitchen. Help yourself.” They headed back through into the living room, Nick pulling on a coat and a pair of dark sunglasses despite the gloomy skies. Harry smirked and bit back a remark about how cliché the sunglasses were.

“Do you think there’ll be paps outside already?” He asked instead, moving across to the window.

“Yeah.” Nick scratched the back of neck awkwardly. “Finchy text me, he said the studios have been completely surrounded. They’ve had to set up barriers and everything.” Harry swore under his breath, and swivelled away from the window. He didn’t want to see what was waiting for them out there.

“Well, keep me updated.”

“You too.” Nick paused, half way out the door. “Oh, and stay off Twitter.”

 

*

 

Harry unsurprisingly didn’t get any sleep after Nick left, he was too on edge and instead wandered restlessly around the flat, trying to not think about what was happening. The photos would undoubtedly be everywhere by mid-morning, probably sooner. The whole world would know something that most of Harry’s closest friends didn’t even know. He felt sick. Part of him wanted to see the photos. He knew it would take less than 30 seconds to find them; they’d be _everywhere_. Seeing them might have given him a better idea of what he was facing, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Nick text him when he got into work, saying the paparazzi mob wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it would be and telling Harry to eat some food and try to take his mind off it all for a bit. Harry tried to listen to his advice, forcing himself to eat some breakfast and watch TV, making sure it was anything other than news. At one point, he curiously turned the radio on but switched it straight back off again as Nick’s gravelly, sleep-deprived voice rang across the too empty flat. Nick’s voice was thick with tension and for the first time ever, Harry couldn’t bear to listen to him.

As the morning wore on, his phone became a constant flurry of texts and calls, none of which he even glanced at. He saw his mum and Gemma’s names flash up at least once, but he couldn’t face speaking to them yet. It wasn’t as though it would be a huge surprise for either of them anyway; even though he’d never discussed his sexuality with them, they both just _knew_. And from his mum’s frequent questions about Nick, Harry was positive she knew a lot more about their relationship than she let on.

Sophie finally rang just after 8, being annoyingly vague and saying she was in the process of sorting it out but that he needed to go to the offices for a meeting with some of their management team. She sounded less than surprised when Harry told her where he needed picking up from, sternly pointing out how it wouldn’t do him any favours to be spotted sneaking out of Nick’s flat. They arranged for the car to pick him up from a few streets over and for Harry to attempt to sneak out of the back of Nick’s building.

Thankfully, Harry managed to get away without being spotted. He sent a quick text to Nick from the back of the car, who replied with a simple:

‘ _let me know how it goes xx_ ’

Harry tried not to stare at the kisses too much. His heart was pounding the entire journey; he hated meetings with their management, especially when it was for something like this. He briefly thought back to when the exact same thing had happened with him and Caroline, but 17-year-old Harry had been a lot more terrified of the big bosses and he’d thrown up in the overly clean toilets of their posh offices. He hoped things wouldn’t be that bad this time; for starters he was older and felt like he had more of a say in what happened since then. Even so, he spent most of the journey nervously chewing on his thumbnail, praying it wasn’t going to be as bad as he was imagining. 

 

*

He didn’t really know what to expect when he got there, but finding the other boys sleepily sprawled across the pristine waiting area wouldn’t have been his first guess.

“What are you guys doing here?” Harry asked, slipping into a seat next to Niall. It probably wasn’t a good sign that they were there, but he was appreciative of the moral support. As long as they gave him their support.

“No idea,” Liam said, barely glancing up from his phone. “I just got dragged out of bed for some apparently _emergency_ meeting.”

“You don’t know?” Harry asked dubiously.

"Know what?” Louis raised an eyebrow. Harry glanced at each of their blank faces in turn and realised that they really had no idea. It wasn’t surprising though, they’d have likely all been asleep until they got the phone call about the meeting and then they’d have been bundled into cars and driven straight over. It was just lucky none of them had been on Twitter yet.

Harry took a deep breath. He knew he was better off getting it over with before they were in front of their management team. “There’s been some photos of me printed in The Sun this morning.”

“The Sun? What type of photos?” Liam asked, dropping his phone into his lap, _Daddy Direction_ making an appearance at the first hint of trouble.

“Well-”

“Have you been caught fucking someone?” Louis interjected from across the waiting area.

Harry hesitated and Niall’s face split into a grin. “Oh, you have! Who?”

“ _Please_ tell me you made a sex tape.” Zayn sniggered. “It would make my life.”

Niall laughed, his eyes flickering across to Zayn, who had his feet draped across a glass coffee table. Harry watched Niall’s eyes drop to Zayn’s feet, and followed his gaze to a stack of newspapers scattered across the table. There was a pause as Harry’s brain caught up, during which Niall lunged out of his seat and across to Zayn, yanking the stack of papers up. Harry uselessly jumped up after him, but Niall had already picked The Sun out of the pile, holding it aloft like some sort of award.

“Lemme see,” Louis whined, shoving past Harry and wrestling the paper out of Niall’s hands, holding it out so everyone could see.

It was so much worse than Harry ever could have imagined.

It took up the entire front page; a giant blurry image of him and Nick pressed so closely together that they could be one person. Their faces were moulded together, Harry’s hand clutching at the side of Nick’s head, his bare arm raised, displaying all of his tattoos, with Nick’s hand tugging fervently on the front of Harry’s shirt. Despite the bad quality and slightly obscured faces, there was no mistaking it was them. There was a smaller photo in the bottom corner of the page, taken probably a few moments after the first, where he and Nick had pulled out of the kiss, their faces more visible. Nick was staring at Harry with a dopey smile, while Harry was clearly in midsentence with an eager expression on his face, his hand curling around Nick’s arm.

Harry couldn’t tear his eyes away from the photo, his whole body frozen in place as he stared. The words swam about on the page, little phrases like “ _secret relationship_ ” and “ _in love_ ” jumping out at him.

“Shit.” Niall exhaled next to him. Harry finally looked up, meeting Niall’s gaze apprehensively. There was silence as all eyes in the room found Harry’s, and Harry just stared back at Niall, lost.

“ _You and_ _Grimmy_?” Zayn finally broke the spell, leaning across to pull the paper out of Louis’ hands. “Really?”

Harry couldn’t speak; he just nodded once, tersely.

“I knew it!” Niall exclaimed, slapping a hand onto Harry’s shoulder. “I said all along, didn’t I say all along?”

“Well, we all thought maybe-” Liam began.

“No but I said, I said there was something! Didn’t I, Louis?” Niall insisted.

Louis ignored him, reaching across to turn the page. Aside from the front page, Harry and Nick had an entire double page spread dedicated to them, filled with more candid shots of them from that night, alongside a photo that they’d posed for at an awards ceremony months ago, and a separate shot of Harry posing with a fan, clearly taken on the same night as the candid photos. As Harry stared at himself, beaming drunkenly at the camera, he remembered that night. It had been Alexa’s birthday and she’d hired out the VIP section of a swanky club. Harry and Nick didn’t normally let their guard down in public, especially as only a handful of people knew about them, but the drunker they got, the less inhibitions they had. Harry had followed Nick to the toilets, drunkenly cornering him in a dark spot next to the fire escape, insisting they should leave because they would have a lot more fun at home. Really, no one should have been in that section of the club who wasn’t a friend of Alexa’s, and most of that group were people Harry considered to be friends of his, which made him feel queasy.

“Are you really planning on eloping with him?” Louis’ voice cut across Harry’s thoughts, jolting him back to the present.

“What?”

“Says right here- look, ‘ _the loved up couple are even rumoured to be planning on eloping, a source close to them revealed.’_ ” Louis pointed about half way down the article, but Harry didn’t bother to look.

“Don’t be stupid,” Zayn said with a smirk, “Anne would never let Harry elope. They’d have to have a big white wedding in the middle of nowhere in Cheshire.”

“Maybe Radio 1 could livestream it?” Louis suggested. Harry shook his head and sank into a seat, burying his head into his hands with a groan. He felt a body slide into the seat next to him, and an arm drape across his shoulders.

“Sorry, mate, we’re only having a laugh.” Niall said softly, squeezing Harry’s shoulder reassuringly. “I mean, this is big news for us.”

“You said you knew.” Harry mumbled into his hands.

“Well, big news for them.”

Harry sighed and lifted his head up to meet Liam’s gaze. “How bad is this?” He asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Liam hesitated which said it all. “Probably not good.” He admitted reluctantly. Harry nodded and bit his lip. He knew it wasn’t good, but hearing Liam say it somehow made everything seem a lot worse.

“Mate,” Zayn started, a little uncertainly, “why didn’t you tell us?” Harry didn’t know what to say. He had been dreading that question. Why didn’t he tell them? They were his best friends in the world, the people he told everything to. Yet, he lied to them, he did everything he could to keep a huge part of his life secret from them.

“I don’t know.” He finally answered. “I guess… I didn’t really know what it was. I wouldn’t have known what to say.”

“Was?” Liam frowned. “It’s over?”

“It wasn’t ever really anything to begin with.” Harry shrugged. “It was just… I don’t know, a bit of fun.”

“When?” Liam pressed.

“Ages ago. Last year mostly. Like, on and off.” Harry didn’t feel ready for this conversation. He fiddled awkwardly with the sleeve of his jumper, doing anything to avoid eye contact.

“So, what happened?” Harry was surprised to hear Louis sound genuinely interested; Louis made no secret of how much he disliked Nick.

“We didn’t have time for each other. It wasn’t working.” Harry tried to sound nonchalant, staring determinedly at his hands. He was lying, and he knew they’d see straight through it.

“But you said it wasn’t anything serious?” Liam was somehow still frowning but with one eyebrow raised. His expression screamed _you’re lying_. Harry sighed; he knew he’d have to tell them the truth at some point anyway.

“Fine. I wanted more, he didn’t.” Harry bit out the words and glared at Liam who immediately softened.

“Haz, tell us what happened.” Liam urged gently, settling into the seat opposite Harry. Harry did another sweep of his bandmates’ faces, remembering a time when there was nothing in the world he wouldn’t feel comfortable telling them. He took a deep breath.

“It was just nothing at first. Just drunken messing about, it wasn’t serious and that was fine. He doesn’t really like relationships and we’re always so busy anyway. And then, I dunno, I guess I got a bit… attached. He didn’t want it to be more than it was so we stopped.”

Harry couldn’t quite tell them the full truth, that Nick didn’t want it to be more because he didn’t want to force Harry into coming out. That Nick didn’t want to _ruin Harry’s career_. They’d spent countless nights arguing about what their relationship was, with Nick insisting there was no point risking Harry’s entire career for what could turn out to be nothing. Eventually Nick had told Harry it was over, saying he was happy with how things were but he couldn’t handle any more than that. And there was nothing Harry could do, because even though he knew Nick was doing it for him, he couldn’t change his mind.

“You know this doesn’t change anything, though?” Niall asked, squeezing Harry’s shoulder again. “Like, you being gay? If that’s why you didn’t tell us, I mean.”

“Yeah.” Zayn nodded. “Yeah, ‘course, mate.”

“Even if I do think you could do a lot better than Grimshaw.” Louis added with a grin. 

Harry just smiled and buried his face into Niall’s shoulder, wondering how he was lucky enough to end up with the four best friends in the world.

 

*

 

The meeting was relatively quick and painless. Harry didn’t get told off anywhere near as much as he’d been expecting, there was just a quick lecture on _being more discreet_ and _maintaining their image._

It had been decided there was no way to deny it was either Harry or Nick, so Harry had 2 options; either don’t say anything and hope it all just blows over eventually, or come out. Harry wasn’t overly thrilled at either prospect, but he knew he had little choice. Thankfully, the PR team had agreed there was little that could be done to salvage the situation, so Harry was allowed to make the decision on whether he was ready to come out.

In the meantime, the boys were banned from any sort of contact with anyone. No meeting fans, no social media, no interviews. It was too easy for them to slip up, and if they outright refused to answer something then it could be seen as a confirmation. Everything they did from that moment needed to be carefully organised, there needed to be no opportunities for anything to go wrong. Harry knew from experience that his management could twist the world in their favour; if they didn’t want those photos mentioned in Harry’s presence then they wouldn’t be. When you have Simon Cowell’s money backing you, everyone else becomes surprisingly flexible.

But that still left Harry with the biggest decision of his life. All the money and PR in the world couldn’t pay for someone to make Harry’s mind up for him, because he knew this was _his_ decision to make. Despite the fact that this decision would affect everyone around him and despite the fact that it could change his best friends’ lives, no-one else would have a say in what he did.

At the end of it all, Harry knew it all came down to him.

He headed straight back to Nick’s as soon as they left the studio, unsurprised to find the flat still empty. Nick would probably be getting told off by his own publicist, or coming up with a plan. He didn’t really know where else to go, and he knew nowhere else would feel right, so Harry let himself using the spare key he’d stolen that morning, the key that used to belong to him anyway. After taking a quick shower and changing into some fresh clothes, he dragged a blanket out of Nick’s bedroom and curled up on the sofa with Puppy, absentmindedly flicking through the TV channels while he waited.

Nick finally showed up later that evening, looking exhausted but carrying a bag of takeaway food.

“Hey.” Nick greeted him, seeming entirely unsurprised to find Harry lying across his sofa. “I got us some food.”

They ate together in silence, sat on either side of Nick’s sofa, both pretending to be interested in whatever rubbish TV show was on. Harry waited until they’d both finished eating, and Nick had topped up their glasses of wine, before speaking.

“Guessing you’ve seen the photos?” He blurted out, his voice sounding too loud over the low humming of the telly.

Nick nodded tensely. “Yeah,” he said, taking a long sip of wine. “Alexa’s birthday party. I knew we were being risky.” _You weren’t saying that at the time,_ Harry thought to himself bitterly.

“So... what are you going to do?” Harry hated the word ‘you’, surely they were in this together? But he knew he couldn’t assume that. Nick had his own reputation to protect, after all. And it wasn’t like they were actually together.

Nick sighed. “Nothing. I said I won’t do anything until I find out what you want to do.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Nick turned to look at Harry. “This is going to be a lot harder on you. So, I’ll do whatever you want. I can keep quiet, say it was just a drunken kiss, deny it’s me, whatever you want.”

Harry was speechless, after everything that had happened, Nick was still looking out for Harry. That had been their biggest problem all along; that Nick _cared_ too much. Nick would do anything for Harry, including give him up. He just wanted Harry to be happy and it didn’t matter if that sacrificed Nick’s own happiness. Harry was hit by a flood of affection for the man who had simultaneously broken his heart and proved he loved him more than anyone else possibly could in one act.

“You don’t have to do that.” Harry mumbled, taking a gulp of his own wine.

“Of course I do.” Nick replied honestly. “I’m not the one potentially being forced into coming out.”

“I guess. What would you want to do, if it was up to you?”

Nick sighed again. “I guess there isn’t a lot of choice here. I’d probably ignore it, but I kind of do that with everything.” Harry smiled wryly; Nick’s solution to most things was to bury his head and pretend it wasn’t happening. But that didn’t really help Harry.

“Can I really ignore something this big?”

“Probably not. You could try to explain it away.” Harry must have looked confused, because Nick carried on hurriedly. “Like, say we were drunk and it was a joke or something.”

“Yeah. Could do.” Harry bit his lip. He knew there _were_ options other than just biting the bullet and coming out, but at that moment in time those options all seemed useless. Nick leant across the sofa and softly grabbed Harry’s hand.

“It’ll be okay, whatever you do decide.” He said soothingly. Harry stared down at their joined hands for a few seconds.

“I think I need more wine.” Harry mumbled in response.

They carried on drinking, slowly gravitating towards each other on the long sofa as the evening wore on. Harry was known for getting clingy when he was drunk, but nothing could compare to how he got when he was around Nick. Even sober, he always felt an almost physical need to be near Nick, to touch him, to breathe him in.

Eventually they tumbled into Nick’s bed, Harry simply following Nick without an invitation. He was struck with a sense of familiarity as he buried himself beneath the sheets that he once spent every night he possibly could under. Since they’d stopped sleeping together, Harry had reluctantly started sleeping in Nick’s spare bed whenever he stayed there, feeling like Nick’s bed was a little off-limits given the circumstances. But not that night. Harry didn’t want to sleep alone, and he knew Nick could never turn him away. But Nick kept his distance, lying rigidly on one side of the bed. Drunk Harry didn’t like it and wormed his way over to Nick after a few moments, curling himself around Nick, who made no effort to move away.

“I think I want to come out.” Harry mumbled drunkenly into Nick’s shoulder after a while of lying in silence. He felt Nick tense up.

“Really?” Nick whispered back. “Are you sure?”

“No.” Harry shifted forwards, until his entire face was buried into the fabric of Nick’s t-shirt. “But maybe it’s time.”

“Don’t rush into anything you’ll regret.” Nick warned him gently. Harry knew it wasn’t something he’d regret; the freedom of being who he wanted to be was something he’d thought about for ages. He knew that it would all be worth it in the end, but somehow the actual act of coming out seemed so much worse than what awaited him on the other side. He couldn’t quite bring himself to do it, to the say the words that would change his life forever. He rolled back onto his side, staring at Nick through the darkness. 

“It’d be worth it.” He said slowly. “Imagine if I’d done it last year. How different things would be.” They’d be together, for starters. Nick wouldn’t have pushed Harry away for fear of ruining his career.

“Like what?”

“Well, I could just be myself. I wouldn’t have to hide who I am. Yeah, it would be hard at first but then I’d be free. It could be like that now, if I’d just had the guts to do it back then.”

“Don’t do ‘what if’s’,” Nick muttered. “It’ll get you nowhere.”

“But it’s true though.” Harry insisted, his words slurring slightly. “If I’d done it last year, things would be so different. _We’d_ be so different.” The unsaid words felt like a wall between them.

Nick rolled onto his side, his face inches from Harry’s. “Do you want that? For… things to be different?”

“Yeah.” They let the word hang in the air for a few seconds. Of course Harry wanted things to be different. He wanted Nick, in a way he’d never experienced before. It was like a primal instinct; every part of him screamed out for Nick and it was exhausting.

“Harry.” Nick breathed out unsteadily. “Don’t… don’t do this for the wrong reasons.”

"I’m not.” Harry promised. He leant forward, until he could feel Nick’s breath against his lips. “This is for all the right reasons.”

“This is a bad idea.” Nick warned, but he still didn’t move away.

“It’s really not.” Harry insisted, closing the gap and pressing his lips against Nick’s. Nick responded instantly, wrapping an arm around the back of Harry’s neck and pulling him closer. Nick tasted like wine mixed with faint smoke and something familiar that was just _Nick_ and Harry wanted to explore more, pressing himself into the familiarity. He pushed himself up, until he was hovering above Nick, his hands either side of Nick’s head. He felt Nick shift under him, accommodating his weight. Harry’s head was spinning with the alcohol and the adrenaline and he was kissing Nick after so long and it felt so perfect. Harry kissed how he did everything else in life, confident and knowing, and he let his lips fall to the spot on Nick’s jaw that he know was a weakness.

“ _Fuck_ \- _Harry.”_ Nick moaned, pulling away slightly. “This isn’t- we shouldn’t…”

Harry huffed out of a breath of impatience and crashed his lips against Nick’s once again. Nick made a noise of protest, but wound his arms tighter around Harry, kissing him back hungrily. It had been so long, _too_ long.

“Missed you.” Harry mumbled into the kiss. “Missed you so much.”

“You have no idea, popstar.” Nick breathed back.

There were a million reasons why they shouldn’t but that didn’t matter. At that moment, nothing mattered.

 

*

 

“I’ll do it.” Harry mumbled afterwards, sleepily kissing the words into Nick’s skin. “I’ll do it and we’ll be together.” He felt more than drunk; he felt euphoric, a level of confidence he hadn’t ever experienced before. _This is it._ He finally felt ready.

He barely noticed how Nick’s breath hitched at his words.

 

*

 

Harry awoke the next morning to an empty bed and an empty flat. He knew Nick wouldn’t have wanted to wake him when he left for work, but it still felt a little bit weird to Harry. Harry had spent countless mornings like that, waking up to an empty space where Nick should have been and just the drone of the radio filtering in from the kitchen for company.

He pottered about the flat, making himself breakfast and watching TV while he waited for Nick to come back. He decided to wait for Nick to get home before making any arrangements for the announcement, despite the fact he’d already made his mind up. He thought about it as he washed up, how different things would be. Would he just be coming out, or would be telling the whole world he was in a relationship with a man? He knew he and Nick still had a long way to go and a lot to sort out, but Harry knew what he wanted and after the previous night, he felt confident Nick felt the same way.

“Hey.” A voice startled Harry and he dropped a plate into the sink with a clatter. He turned to find Nick hovering in the kitchen doorway.

“Hey! Didn’t hear you come in.” Harry went to cross the room, but something on Nick’s face made him stop. “Everything okay?”

“I don’t think you should do it.” Nick blurted out. He looked agitated.

“What?”

“I don’t think you should come out. I don’t think you’re ready for it.” There was silence as Harry processed Nick’s words. _Not ready?_ Harry blinked in confusion.

“Why do you think that?” Harry couldn’t help the slight wobble to his voice.

Nick shuffled awkwardly. “Harry, the whole world wants you, and I don’t just mean the millions of girls that fancy you. You’re probably one of the most famous people on the planet and this is going to change your life forever. I don’t think you realise just how big this is. You said how free you’ll feel once it’s out in the open, but you’re not thinking about all the shit you’re going to have to go through first. I’ve been through it, on a tiny scale of what it will be like for you, and it’s not nice. You think the attention you get now is bad but at least it’s mostly positive. _Everyone_ will be talking about you, they’ll make jokes and you’ll lose fans and if anything at all bad happens to the band, you’ll feel responsible. Yeah, one day it will be easier and you’ll feel better but who knows how long you’ve got until then. You need to think this through.”

It sounded like a well-rehearsed speech and Harry realised Nick had probably been thinking about it all morning. He hesitated for a few seconds. “Do you really think I haven’t thought about all of this?”

“I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing. You need to make sure it’s definitely what you want to do.”

“And you don’t think I should?” Harry asked coolly.

“Well… no.” Nick ran a hand though his hair. “I don’t think now’s the time. You have your whole life to do it, why not wait a bit?”

“Well, for starters, the whole world has seen photos of me basically dry humping you!” Harry snapped. Nick flinched a little and Harry felt vaguely guilty.

Nick took a deep breath before speaking. “I spoke to Jen about it today. She thinks we could pass it off as a drunken thing. And I spoke to Aimee earlier and she has a photo on her phone of me kissing Ian from a while ago, we’ll just say that’s what I do when I’m drunk. Fuck, most of Britain has seen the clip of me and Corden. People won’t want to believe you’re gay so they’ll believe anything else we tell them.” Harry was dumbfounded, how could Nick have gone from supporting him to making all these plans against him in such a short amount of time?

“No.” Harry choked out. “No, I want to do this. I’ve made up my mind.”

“Harry-” Nick began.

Harry cut across him, a thought flashing into his mind. “What’s going on, Nick? Why don’t you want me to do this?”

Nick faltered; he looked on the verge of tears. “I just… I don’t think you’re-.”

“No. That’s not it.” Harry frowned; Nick had to have a reason for wanting Harry to stay in the closet and it wasn’t what Nick was saying. “Spit it out.”

“Fine. I can’t be the reason for you ruining your life.” Nick threw his hands up dramatically. Harry froze.

“Are you kidding?”

“You can’t do this huge thing because of me! It’s going to change your life, probably for the worse, and I can’t be the reason for that!”

“You can’t be saying this to me _again_?” Harry hissed. “We’ve had this conversation a million times, I thought you finally understood?”

“I do, I really do. I just can’t be the person you do this for! Would you ask me to do this for you?”

“I would never ask you, but I’d understand if it was something you said you had to do.” Harry responded honestly. Harry would never stop anyone from doing anything they wanted to do.

Nick shook his head sadly. “No you wouldn’t.”

“For God’s sake, Nick.” Harry snapped. “Last night you were all for me coming out!”

“I was drunk, I didn’t realise you’re still doing it for me.”

“So that’s the problem? What if I’m doing this for myself? What if this isn’t even about you?”

“But you’re not.” Nick said. He crossed the room and grabbed Harry’s wrist gently. “If you were doing this for yourself then you’d have done it ages ago. Or you wouldn’t want to do it _now_. You’re doing this because you think it’s what I want. You’re too nice and you’re too selfless and you see the good in everyone and you don’t realise how stupid it is for you to do this for me.”

Harry could feel his eyes threatening to well up so he pulled out of Nick’s grasp and turned away. “I don’t know what you want.” He mumbled softly.

“I want you to be happy.”

“Well then stop being a complete twat.” Harry turned to face Nick again. He didn’t understand how he could both love and hate one person so extremely.

“I’m trying not to be.” Nick smiled sadly. Harry shook his head. It all made no sense to him; just a few hours before Nick had kissed the doubts out of Harry’s head, how could he have changed his mind?

“I just don’t understand you. I think this is all bullshit.” He bit out angrily. “I don’t think you give a fuck about my career, it’s yourself you’re worried about.”

“What? Why would I be worried about myself?”

“You’re always going on about our fans not liking you, you just don’t want to deal with what it will be like if they know we’re together. You know how much shit they’ll give you.”

“You know that’s not true.” Nick retorted. “You- do you actually think that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He huffed out a breath of angry air and glared at Nick.

“You’re right, you know. You _don’t_ understand any of this.” Nick wrenched a hand through his hair. “You don’t understand how hard it was for me to- to say no to you. To end it. I did it for you, I did it to _protect you_ and you can’t see that. You’re just throwing it all back in my face.”

“I don’t need protecting, Nick.” Harry snapped. “I’m an adult, I can make my own choices. Not even you can tell me what to do with my life.”

“No, I can’t.” Nick agreed. “But your management can and they make your life a fucking misery when you’re so much as seen standing next to Tomlinson. How bad do you think it will be if you actually come out as gay? Those sort of things won’t get easier, they’ll get a lot harder!”

Harry felt breathlessly angry, but he just didn’t have it in him to argue anymore. He turned away from Nick again, grabbing his phone and keys from the counter and shoving them into his pocket.

“Harry, look, you know this isn’t me saying I don’t want you? You know that’s not what this is, right?” Nick asked suddenly. He made to move closer but Harry quickly darted to the other side of the room.

“I don’t know. I just can’t have this conversation with you again.” Harry sighed, defeated. “You’re never going to agree with me.” He stomped out to the living room, pausing only to grab his coat, before heading towards the front door. He hesitated in the doorway, wondering if Nick would come after him and try to stop him, but all that followed him was silence.

 

 

*

 

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Liam asked, leaning across Niall to whisper in Harry’s ear. It had been 2 days since Harry had left Nick’s, 2 days since he’d made up his mind, 2 days since he’d rang up Sophie in a flood of tears and insisted he was ready to come out. The boys were sat in a brightly lit studio, opposite a TV presenter who had no idea she was about to out Harry Styles, live to the nation. Harry had insisted it be done live, so he could say he wanted without fear of anyone editing it and changing his words. It would all be over in just a few moments, or it would all just be beginning, depending on how you looked at it.

Harry nodded thickly. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready.” He glanced across at the presenter, Kate, and took a deep breath. He was definitely ready.

“So, boys, it’s so lovely to have you on the show. How’s it going?” The interview started off normally, Harry letting the others field most of the questions. He felt nervous, but he was excited too. His whole life was about to change, and he knew he was ready for it. He was happy they’d chosen Kate’s show for him to make the announcement, she was nice and Harry felt like she’d make sure he got to say exactly what he wanted. 

His management had basically set up his opportunity, telling Kate she was allowed to ask about the photos of him and Nick. She would obviously jump at the chance, as the photos were still a huge talking point and the boys had yet to comment on them. Management had gone through a million practise questions with him, giving him tips on how to twist the conversation around to him coming out.

“Okay, so you know I have to ask, Harry,” Kate smiled at him after getting the generic questions out of the way, “what is with these photos of you I’ve been seeing everywhere?”

“Apparently I can’t go anywhere without being photographed.” Harry smiled back weakly. His heart was pounding.

“So it is you in the photos?” Kate asked.  

“Um… yes.” Harry blinked, was there really any confusion that it was him?

“And Nick Grimshaw?” She pressed.

“Yeah.” There was a sort of stunned silence. Harry could almost feel the tension.

“So,” Kate hesitated, she clearly hadn’t expected Harry to admit to it. She’d probably assumed her green light to ask the question was a set up to let Harry deny it. “What does this mean? Are you and him dating?”

If things had gone how he’d wanted, that would have been the moment where Harry would not only announce that he was gay, but also that he and Nick were together. In his head, the two announcements went hand-in-hand, and he could break both pieces of news at once. Instead, Harry had to shake his head.

“It doesn’t mean anything. We were just drunk and messing about.” He forced himself to sound indifferent.

“Do you always snog your friends against a wall when you’re drunk?” Kate asked pointedly. Harry squirmed a little. Maybe he didn’t like her quite so much.

“No. We knew there were cameras on us; we were just playing up for them. It was just a joke.”

“So you two aren’t a couple? I’ve been hearing people refer to you as the next Posh and Becks!” Kate laughed. Harry just shook his head again. He tried to think of a subtle way to move on from talking about Nick.

“Who would even be who in that relationship?” Louis interjected. “Harry definitely isn’t Posh _or_ Becks.”

“I don’t know, I think there’s a little bit of a fashionista in you, Harry.” Kate said.

“I’d say Grimmy is definitely more Posh than Becks.” Niall snickered. “But Harry couldn’t kick a ball if his life depended on it.” They were getting off track; Harry could feel his chance slipping away. He glanced across at Liam, slightly panic-stricken, and saw Liam nod once in understanding.

“Harry’s just Harry, he doesn’t need to be anyone else.” Liam said loudly, cutting off the conversation. “And we love him for who he is.”

“Awww.” Kate smiled, but she was looking at Harry questioningly, obviously sensing Liam’s pointed tone.

“Well… speaking of _who I am_.” Harry cleared his throat. “I actually have an something to announce.” He glanced across at Liam again, who was smiling encouragingly at him.

“Yes?” Kate pressed gently. _It’s now or never_. He took a deep breath.

“Those photos aren’t… anything. Just a joke.” He stammered. “But I am actually… I’m gay.”

It felt like such an anti-climax. It was maybe the biggest announcement of Harry’s life and it was over within 2 words. He waited for what felt like an eternity of silence as his words sunk in. After a beat, there were a few gasps of surprise, but aside from that the studio was choked in an uneasy silence.

“Is this- Are you serious?” Kate broke the stillness, sounding a little on edge. He wondered whether she have been told what was happening beforehand, after all; they had completely thrown her in at the deep end.

“Yeah.” Harry gulped. “Um- this is me announcing it… that I’m gay.” There was a beat before Niall began clapping his hands together enthusiastically, quickly followed by the other four boys. Harry beamed at them, as Niall wolf-whistled. He really did have the best friends ever. 

“Oh wow.” Kate looked genuinely surprised, one hand clamped over her mouth. “Oh Harry, that’s- I did not expect you to say that!”

“Sorry.” Harry couldn’t help but smile guiltily at her shocked expression. They probably _should_ have pre-warned her.

“So you are gay, but you’re not dating Nick Grimshaw?” She clarified. “And you’re still single”

Harry bit his lip and nodded. “Yep, single.”

“But he won’t be single for long now everyone knows.” Niall declared, slinging an arm across Harry’s shoulders. “He’ll have all the guys after him.” Harry smiled bashfully.

“Wow. This is big news Harry!” Kate looked like she’d won the lottery. “What made you decided to come out now? I’m guessing those photos were a bit of a nudge?”

“Yeah. Well, I mean, I’ve wanted to do it for so long. It just never seemed like the right time, and I guess the photos were a bit of a push to actually man up and do it.” Harry explained, ignoring Niall’s snort over the phrase ‘man up’.

“So have you always known?”

Harry frowned. No, he hadn’t always known. He’d always guessed he wasn’t 100% straight, but it wasn’t until he wound up drunkenly kissing Nick that he’d actually realised. It didn’t really make much sense to him, because he’d had girlfriends before and there had definitely been feelings there. He’d fancied Caroline more than anyone else he’d ever seen. Yet, after a while of knowing Nick, all of that seemed so irrelevant. “No.” He finally settled on. “It took me a while to figure it out.”

“Because you’ve had girlfriends before, haven’t you? Some of them quite famous. I guess the question here is; were they just cover ups?”

“No, definitely not. I think maybe I was just… a bit unsure? I don’t really know. At the time I was happy but now… I can’t imagine myself being in that situation again.” Harry shrugged.

“And you guys, I’m guessing you all knew?” Kate moved her attention across to Niall, who still had an arm draped across Harry.

“Of course.” Niall said, without missing a beat. “When he told us, it didn’t change anything.” Harry squeezed Niall’s knee gratefully.

“And does Nick know?” Kate asked.

“Yeah.” Harry glanced down at his hands for a few seconds. He didn’t like that Nick was being mentioned; this wasn’t about him. Nick didn’t _want_ it to be about him.

“You two are very close friends though, aren’t you? And he is openly gay. It can’t come as a surprise that people think there’s more going on there, especially now?”

Harry paused; he had no response to that. Thankfully, Liam jumped to his rescue. “People are always going to believe what they want to believe. We have the most ridiculous rumours written about us, but there’s not really anything we can do about it. We’re all used to it, Harry probably more than the rest of us.”

Harry smiled gratefully across at his bandmate who, at that moment in time, felt more like a brother. The interview rounded up a few moments later, after Kate regretfully announced they were out of time.

Harry felt like he was on a high, everyone around him was congratulating him and telling him how brave he was and how proud he should be. He couldn’t bring himself to check Twitter but a member of their team informed him that he already had 3 positive worldwide trends, and pretty much every tweet was a message of support.

He finally glanced at his phone as he clambered into the waiting car, scrolling absentmindedly through all of the messages he’d received. He was about to reply to one from his mum when Nick’s name popped up. He hesitated for a few seconds; he and Nick hadn’t spoken since he’d stormed out a few days ago and he hadn’t bothered to tell Nick he was actually coming out. He finally clicked on the message.

_‘Well done, popstar.’_

*

 

The next few days were some of the most surreal of Harry’s life, he found himself being the topic of every conversation. He knew coming out would be a big deal but he had no idea just how much people would talk about it. He had some of the biggest celebrities in the world tweeting him message of support, he was on the cover of every newspaper and every magazine, every news channel and chat show were talking about him; his name was literally _everywhere_. It wasn’t as though Harry wasn’t used to being a topic of conversation, even on his own he’d made plenty of headlines but this was so different. This was on a level he’d never experienced before and it was so intense. Most of the attention seemed to be positive; he didn’t check Twitter enough to see any hate messages although he knew they would be there. Instead, he shied away from it all, hoping it would all blow over.

He was spending his time alternating between his own house and Niall’s, only emerging in public for any scheduled events the band had, which thankfully were only rehearsals. He hadn’t spoken to Nick since before coming out, only a thankyou in response to Nick’s previous text. Harry hadn’t really known what to expect, maybe that him coming out despite Nick’s protests would make Nick realise that it wasn’t about him. Maybe Nick would realise that Harry had to come out for himself, but that they could still be together despite that? Only, Nick’s silence made him realise that probably wasn’t the case.

He found himself unashamedly stalking Nick’s twitter, looking for signs that Nick was missing him, or at least thinking about him. Perhaps a deep thought or a song lyric or even a blatant _I miss you Harry, come home._ But there was nothing. Harry was resigned to feeling empty, something he was doing his best to hide as he reluctantly made his way into rehearsals that day. He knew he looked like shit, having spent most of the night typing out and deleting messages to Nick.

“Hey.” Louis greeted him apprehensively as he shrugged out of his coat. His tone made Harry pause.

“Hey. What’s going on?”

“Um,” Louis fiddled with a bit of string hanging from his jacket. “Have you listened to Radio 1 lately?” Harry frowned.

“No. Why?”

“I think you should.”    

“Why?” Harry asked uneasily.

“I- I just think you should. They mentioned you a bit.” Louis looked so uncomfortable; Harry knew whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

He had to wait until their lunch break to listen to it, stumbling his way through a full morning of rehearsals trying not to obsess over what it could possibly be. Louis hadn’t specified who had mentioned him, maybe it wasn’t even Nick? But Harry knew that it was; Louis wouldn’t look so worked up over anything else. The second they were dismissed for lunch, Harry raced off to an empty dressing room, borrowing someone’s laptop and a pair of headphones.

It didn’t take long for Harry to find the clip, it was basically the first thing he found when he searched Nick’s name on Twitter. Harry didn’t have a clue what to expect as he pressed play, his heart pounding.

“So that was Ed Sheeran and the new one from Kasabian.” Nick’s breathless voice filled Harry’s ears. “Pretty good, that new Kasabian one, isn’t it Finchy?”

“Can I just point out that Nick nearly missed his cue there because he’s busy ogling people on Twitter!” Matt announced, ignoring Nick’s question.

“Hey, I’m not ogling! I was looking up that guy from Eastenders.”

“That’s called ogling.” Matt retorted.

“I’m a _radio presenter_ ,” Nick emphasised. “It’s purely for research purposes.”

“What research do _you_ do? I-”

“Which guy? The one that came out yesterday?” Fiona interjected, cutting off Matt before an argument could start.  

“Yeah. Don’t know how anyone’s surprised. Just _look_ at him!”

“Have you noticed that he’s like the 4th celebrity to come out this week?” Fiona mused. “Bit weird, isn’t it?”

“It’s all since Harry Styles came out. It seems One Direction even have the power to turn men gay now.” Matt deadpanned. Harry frowned; he hadn’t heard any of this before, but then again, he was avoiding all news sources.

“Haven’t they always had that power?” Ian’s voice cut in.

“Well, when it comes to you, yes.” Matt shot back.

“No but seriously, it’s pretty good that Harry’s actually inspiring other people to come out. It just shows how people in his position can use their popularity in a good way.” Fiona said. In the background, Nick scoffed.

“Yeah, because everyone wakes up like ‘ _ooh Harry Styles came out maybe I should do the same thing’”,_ Nick muttered scathingly.

“What’s wrong with that?” Fiona argued. “He got so much support for it, it obviously gave other people the confidence to do it too. It’s a good thing.”

“People should have the confidence to do things on their own, not just because some famous guy did it.” Nick countered. He was using his stroppy voice, and Harry suspected he was about to quickly change the subject- his normal tactic when he didn’t like how a conversation was going.

“It’s good for him to be a positive role model.” Matt chimed in.

“People can’t base their lives around other people!” Nick snapped. “You have to do things for yourself.” Harry felt a bit like he’d been punched in the gut.

“I’m guessing this a bit of a touchy subject for you?” Matt tried to laugh off the potential awkwardness.

“Well, yeah. I don’t agree with people doing these huge, life-changing things because of other people. It’s stupid.”

“Why?”

“Because people do stupid things for people that don’t deserve them.” Nick barked out. There was a heavy silence, and Harry could almost imagine the look on Matt’s face.

“I don’t mean they’re coming out _for_ Harry.” Fiona said slowly. “I just meant the good reaction he had was obviously encouraging for other people.”

"Yeah.” Nick mumbled. “Yeah. I know what you meant. It’s just… whatever. Uh, we’re going to play a few records now.” There was an awkward pause before the first few beats of a Bastille track began playing and then the clip cut out. Harry yanked his headphones out angrily. He stared at the laptop screen for a few seconds, breathing heavily.

So that’s why Nick had been silent. He still thought Harry had done it for him. After all that Harry had been through, Nick _still_ thought it was all about him. Harry jumped to his feet, wrenching his phone out of his pocket. He needed to talk to Nick. It was just gone 1pm, with any luck Nick would be back from work. He knew he didn’t have long until their lunch break was over, but Harry was too angry to think about that. He just needed to talk to Nick, and it couldn’t wait.

 

*

 

Once again, Harry found himself angrily hammering on Nick’s front door. This time, Nick answered after just a few knocks.

“What the hell _\- Harry_?” Nick looked genuinely surprised to find a scowling Harry Styles stood on his doorstep.

“What’s your fucking problem?” Harry snapped.

“Hi to you too.” Nick stared at Harry in bemusement. “Do you want to come in?” Harry didn’t answer; instead he just stomped past Nick and into the flat.

“So, what’s up?” Nick asked apprehensively. He stood awkwardly on one side of the living room, hands buried in his pockets.

“I don’t understand what is wrong with you!” Harry burst out. “Why do you hate me?”

“Hate you?”

“I heard your show from yesterday.”

Nick’s face fell. “Oh. That.”

“Yeah. That. Why do you have such a problem with me?”

“Harry, you know that’s ridiculous.”

“Then explain what yesterday was about? Explain everything.” Harry demanded furiously. “I don’t understand any of this.”  

“Harry.” Nick said helplessly. “I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all that. I was angry and it was stupid. But I could never _hate_ you.”

“You know what Nick, you don’t make any sense. I don’t understand how someone can push and push and _push_ someone to do something when they know that’s not what they want.” Harry felt his hands curl into fists, his fingers digging into his palms. “You pushed me away and you didn’t listen to me and you left me alone and miserable, and then finally you act like you understand, finally you act like you can see what I want and I think that maybe things are finally going to be okay, and then you just do it all over again! And then you moan about me on the radio. On fucking Radio 1!”

Nick seemed to be physically shrinking as Harry ranted. “Harry-.”

“Yeah, Nick, you wanted to _protect_ me. I get it. But I came out anyway. I told everyone and _look_ , I’m still alive.” Harry flung his arms out to display his aliveness. “And I didn’t do it for you, I did it for _me_. So why is there still a problem?”

Nick seemed speechless, his mouth opening and closing as he struggled to find what to say. Harry took a step closer.

“I came out for me. I came out because I knew it was what I needed to do. I did it even though you told me not to. I did it even though we’re not together.” Harry said carefully. Every word felt studious, deliberate. “I did it for me. What we have- or don’t have- is different and not part of this.”

“I know.” Nick said gently. “I know that now. I just- I was still angry yesterday. It took getting drunk with Pix last night for me to realise what a dick I was being.”

“You- what?” Harry was stopped mid-flow. He frowned.

“I know I was being a bit of a dick.” Nick grimaced. “I just… Harry, I don’t _do_ relationships, I fuck them up and everyone ends up miserable, and that seemed like a stupid thing for you to come out for! But if this is something you needed to do for yourself, then I’m sorry I tried to stop you.” Harry blinked; had _Nick Grimshaw_ actually just apologised to him?

“It was.” Harry said softly, slightly bewildered. “I was something I needed to do.” They stared at each other levelly for a few seconds, the anger fizzling out of Harry.

“You need to understand though, Harry, I was terrified.” Nick admitted quietly, after a few moments of silence.

Harry frowned. “What did _you_ have to be terrified about?”

“You.” Nick breathed out. “You’re so full-on with everything you do. You rush in head-first and I just- I couldn’t handle it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You made everything so intense.” Nick said softly. “We were casual, we were just having fun and then you started talking about telling everyone about us? Harry, I didn’t even know what _us_ was. We didn’t label what we had, about 3 people actually knew there was anything even happening and you were going on about telling the whole world? It was fucking terrifying.”

Harry felt floored.

“I thought… I thought we were in the same place. I thought- fuck, Nick, I thought that’s where we were going?” It was Harry’s turn to feel helpless.

“Well, yeah, we probably were. Or we would have been. But a couple of months of casual sex whenever you’re actually in the country- which was hardly ever- don’t just magically turn into a fully-established out-there-and-proud relationship.” Nick sounded exasperated. He was looking at Harry with a sort of pitying expression that made Harry want to scream.

“Right.” Harry didn’t know what to say. He paced a few steps backwards and raked his hands through his hair again. “So… that’s what all of this has been about? You don’t actually care about me coming out, you just didn’t want me to rush you into something?”

“Of course not!” Nick sounded affronted. “I genuinely didn’t want to see you go through all the bullshit people get when they come out. Harry, you _know_ this was never about me!” Harry glanced down at his feet. He knew Nick was telling the truth, he knew Nick’s reasons for wanting to stop Harry were completely selfless, but that didn’t make any of it any easier to hear. In some way he wanted Nick to be lying, he wanted Nick to be selfish and cruel so Harry could hate him and walk away and finally be _over him_. But, of course, that wasn’t the case.

"Why couldn’t you have said that in the first place?” Harry asked weakly. “If I’d known you weren’t ready…” He trailed off. Would it have made a difference? Harry still would have wanted to come out, and Nick probably still would have wanted to stop him.

“I didn’t want it to sound like I didn’t want you. It was just… it was so _much._ We were going from nothing to the whole world knowing in about five seconds. I didn’t know what to do.”

“I thought I was the problem.” Harry said, quietly. “I thought you didn’t want more because I was _in the closet_. All the secrecy, you know.”

“That was the never an issue for me. I was happy with how things were, I just assumed… I guess I assumed things would just happen a bit more naturally. That I’d have time to, I don’t know, prepare myself a bit before everyone knew.”

“And what, I pushed too hard?”

“Well, yeah.” Nick shuffled awkwardly. “I just wasn’t ready. I don’t know how to do normal relationships, let alone tell everyone about my relationship with a world famous popstar.”

That was always the problem with Nick; he loved and loathed attention in equal measure. If he was the centre of attention at a party then he was in element, but a single news story about him was too much for him to handle. Attention was like a second skin to Harry and anyone even remotely close to him was sucked into his world of headlines and tweets and gossip. Nick wasn’t ready for how bad all of that would get and maybe he never would be.

“But everyone knows I’m gay now, doesn’t that make is easier?” Harry couldn’t help the hopefulness that tinged his voice.

“Harry, you’re probably the most talked about person ever. Somehow you’ve got used to that, but I just don’t know if I can. Not yet, anyway.”

“And you won’t even try?”

“Maybe if we waited-.”

“No.” Harry sighed. “No. I’m fed up of secrets and hiding and _lying_. Do you really want to keep this - _us_ \- a secret forever?”

“I didn’t say forever.” Nick flinched. “I just… I’d need more time.”

“You’ll never be ready.” Harry said dejectedly. “You’ll never be ready and I’m tired of hiding.”

“So where does that leave us?” Nick asked. His voice was thick, and if Harry didn’t know Nick better he’d think maybe Nick was fighting back tears. Only Nick didn’t do tears, not over little popstars like Harry anyway.

“We tried being friends, that didn’t work. Maybe it’s better if I just leave you alone.” Although, Harry wasn’t sure he _could_ leave Nick alone.

“You know that’s not what I want.” Nick said, but there was no real conviction to his voice.

“Well, what else is there?” Harry asked. Nick just shook his head, and Harry knew there was no answer. There was nothing else. Nick couldn’t be in a relationship, not how Harry wanted, and they couldn’t be just friends. There was no other solution.

For the second time, Harry found himself walking out of Nick’s flat with no one trying to stop him.

 

 

*

 

Harry was determined not to cry over Nick bloody Grimshaw, but he realised how impossible that was as he curled up in bed that night, his eyes stained red from where he’d been rubbing them so much. He felt empty, worse than when Nick had ended things the first time, because this was so final. It was worse because Harry knew that Nick wanted him, but that it wasn’t enough. Harry buried his face into his pillow and tried not to think about Nick.

Somewhere in the darkness next to him, Harry’s phone bleeped, Nick’s name flashing across the screen. He hurried to open the text, his fingers scrabbling at the screen.

_‘I never wante yu to leave me along’_

Harry frowned as he read the text, his eyes flicking across to the clock, which read 11:40. Nick was impressively drunk for someone who had to wake up at half 5 the next morning.

' _I don’t know what you want.’_ Harry text back, his fingers itching to type out more but his head stopping him.

' _You’_ came Nick’s reply, just seconds later. Harry stared down at the word and felt his heart sink. All he wanted was Nick; all he’d _ever_ wanted was Nick, but it wasn’t enough, clearly. Before he could think of what to reply, Harry’s phone bleeped again. And again. And again.

 _‘Pleaser done say I’ve ducked this up’_  

_‘I want so fix this’_

_‘How cane I fix this?’_

Harry sighed.

 _‘You need to be brave. You need to be okay with people knowing about us.’_ He typed back.

 _‘ill do anything forr yoi’_ Nick replied. But Harry knew that wasn’t true. Nick could have all the good intentions in the world but it wouldn’t matter. Nick was too scared and that was that.  

Even so, Harry stared at the text until he fell asleep.

 

*

 

Harry woke up to the sound of his phone vibrating next to his head. He fumbled for it, squinting at the screen in a sleepy haze. He blinked as Nick’s name flashed up, hesitating for a few seconds before answering it.

“Hello?” He croaked.

“Moooorning!” Nick sang. “Did I wake you up?”

Harry pushed himself up until he could see his alarm clock. It was just gone 8am. Nick sounded far too chirpy for someone who had been too drunk to type the previous night.

“Am I on the radio?” Harry asked dully, flopping back down into the pillows.

“No, it’s not call-or-delete day, how do you not know that?” Nick scolded gently. Harry groaned.

“Then what’s up, Nick?”

“Are you listening to my show?” Nick demanded.

“I was asleep until 30 seconds ago.” Harry pointed out.

“Well get up and turn on the radio.”

“Or I could go back to sleep.”

“Harry Styles, can you get out of bed and listen to my critically acclaimed radio show for once in your life, please?” Nick crooned into the phone.

“Why?” Harry asked, suspiciously. He sat up again, pushing his hair out of his face and blinking at the sunlight streaming through the gap in his curtains.

“Because it’s brilliant and you should listen to it every day. But you should especially listen to it today.”

“But why?”

“Please, Harry. Just listen, okay?” Nick suddenly sounded serious.

Harry sighed. “Fine.”

“Great. I’ve got to go, song’s nearly over. Speak to you later, yeah?”

“Um. Yeah?” Harry frowned. After how things had gone the previous day, he couldn’t image what they’d have to talk about.  

As soon as they disconnected, Harry trudged into the living room, digging his laptop out of the pile of rubbish cluttering up his coffee table. He spent so little time at the house he was supposed to call home that he hadn’t bothered unpacking most of his stuff, his thousand-pound stereo system probably boxed away in one of the empty rooms. He scrolled through his conversation with Nick from the previous night as he waited for the laptop to load up, wondering if Nick even remembered making yet another empty promise.

The Radio One audio stream loaded just as a song was fading out, and Nick’s cheery voice blasted across the empty house.

“That was Ellie Goulding.” He announced. “Fun fact listeners, Finchy once told Ellie Goulding that he’s in love with her.” Nick sounded happier than he had in days. _Maybe he’s still drunk_ , Harry thought to himself.

“No I didn’t! I said I love _her music_!” Matt retorted indignantly.

“No, you said, and I quote, _Ellie I just love you so much, you’re so amazing and I love you so much_!” Nick’s voice gave away the smirk that was clearly plastered across his face and Harry smiled fondly before he could stop himself. He listened as Nick playfully taunted Matt for a few minutes, growing more and more confused as the conversation steered from Matt’s crush on Ellie Goulding to Matt’s ideal date. Why would Nick insist Harry listened to this?

"Anyway, Finchy, enough about your love life. I have a PSA to make.” Nick chirped eventually. He sounded suspiciously happy.

“A PSA?” Matt repeated dully.

“ _Yes_. A Public Service Announcement. For the public.” Nick explained.

“Right… And what is this PSA?”

“Well, the thing is, you know how completely _desirable_ I am?” In the background, Matt scoffed. “Oi! I am! Anyway, I often find myself being stalked by my millions of fans who all want to marry me, you know how it is, Finchy.”

“Oh yeah.” Matt agreed solemnly.

“Well, I just wanted to inform all of my incredibly devoted fans that while I am flattered by their dedication, I am, in fact, off the market.” There was a beat. Harry froze.  

“Are you trying to tell us that you’re seeing someone?” Fiona sounded sceptical.

“Well… not exactly. But I have been. It’s complicated.”

“Right.” Matt said, confusion coating his voice. “Um- isn’t it time for the news?”

“This is news!” Nick cried. “I’m trying to tell you _my_ big news. It’s far more important than anything Tina has for us.”

“I doubt it.” Matt sighed.

“Come on, Finchy,” Nick whined. “At least _pretend_ to be interested in my life.”

“Fine.” Matt relented.

Nick took a deep breath. “So. I’ve been seeing a person. A celebrity-type person, I’ll have you know. And I want to tell everyone about it because he makes me happier than anything else.” Harry had stopped breathing, _what on earth was Nick doing?_

“Really, Grimmy?” Fiona asked. In the background, Matt hissed something about _whatareyoudoing_ but Nick just carried on.

“Sorry to get all soppy on you, listeners, but as a reward for your dedication to my frankly brilliant show, I feel as though you deserve to know what’s going on in my life.” He took another deep breath, long enough for someone to interrupt him if necessary, but no one said anything. Or if they did, Harry couldn’t hear it over the sound of his heart beating in his head.

Harry had his laptop in a vice-like grip, every fibre of him on edge as he listened to Nick’s nervous voice blast out of the speakers.

“Okay. So. This person, you might have heard of him- goes by the name Harry Styles- did a really brave thing a few days ago and told the world he’s gay.” Nick spoke so fast that his words came out as a jumble. “So I figure, I can be brave and face the wrath of angry One Direction fans by telling you all that Harry Styles is my er- he’s my… he’s mine.”

_Mine._

And that was it.

It was out there.

Harry let out a long breath and sank backwards into the sofa, raking his hands through his hair. _What?_ As Nick had pointed out, they had never defined what _they_ even were; yet Nick had just publicly announced their relationship on Radio 1.

Sort of.

“He’s yours?” Fiona’s voice broke the silence. “What does that mean?”

“Well, Fi, it means that we are in fact in a relationship-type-thing. Whatever you kids call it nowadays” Nick’s voice cracked a little and Harry momentarily wondered if Nick was going to have a breakdown live on air.

“Wow.” Fiona breathed out. “I mean, I doubt anyone is actually going to be surprised by that but… wow.”

“We’ve done such a good job of hiding it, haven’t we?” Nick said dryly.

“But he said you weren’t? He was asked, and he said it was a joke? The photos I mean.” Matt babbled, puzzled. Although, Harry suspected Matt’s confusion was more because Nick hadn’t told him about them himself, rather than Harry’s public denial.

“That doesn’t matter now.” Nick said impatiently.

“But-”

“Finchy, we’ll probably to do a dramatic tell-all interview one day- for the right price _obviously_ \- but for now I’ll just say none of that matters.” Nick said firmly. “It’s all fine now.”

“So, to clarify, you and Harry Styles are dating?” Fiona said slowly.

“Yes.” Somewhere, through the nervous edge to his voice, Nick sounded almost… proud.

Harry still wasn’t breathing, but as he stared blankly at Nick’s photo on the Radio 1 homepage, he felt his lips twitch up into a tiny smile.

 

 

*

 

Harry didn’t really know what he was doing as he clambered into his car, barely even thinking as he found himself driving towards the Radio 1 studios. Radio 1 was playing automatically, because it was always playing in his car, but they’d stopped talking about him. They’d pretty much stopped talking altogether, with the only break between songs being Nick announcing the names of the next songs. He wondered if Nick was incapable of finding witty things to talk about, or if Matt had banned him from saying anything other than the basics.

He waited outside Nick’s studio, peering in through the glass and nervously chewing on his thumbnail as Nick finished a link. Harry was normally treated like an old friend at Radio 1, he used to hang around there often enough that they joked that he was like a part of the furniture, but no one approached him as he lingered outside in the corridor. Even Matt, who was normally the first to pull Harry into a hug, only gave him a quick hesitant _hi_ as he passed him. 

But, finally Nick appeared, apprehensively making his way over to Harry.

“Hey, look who actually listens to my show.” Nick said by way of greeting. He looked nervous.

“You made me.” Harry pointed out. Nick just nodded and stared at Harry.

“So…” Nick started, tentatively.

“You can’t keep doing this.” Harry warned slowly. “This is it. All or nothing. No more running away when it gets scary. It’s time to decide what you want.”

“I want you.” Nick replied simply.

“Okay, good.” Harry lunged forwards, grabbing a fistful of Nick’s shirt and pulling him in until their lips smashed together. Nick’s arms wrapped around Harry instinctively, and Harry let himself melt into the kiss.

“So that was okay then?” Nick asked, pulling back enough to speak. “I was going to ask you, but I thought I’d chicken out. Thought I’d be all spontaneous and romantic and-”

“You’re an idiot.” Harry sighed, curling an arm around Nick’s neck and pulling him back into the kiss.

“Hey!” Nick pouted, leaning back to glare at Harry. “Don’t be so mean. Is it too late to take it back? Say it was all an elaborate prank?”

“Yes, far too late.”

“Oh. Guess I'm kinda stuck with you then.” Nick frowned and Harry leant forward to brush their lips together.

Harry smiled softly against Nick’s kiss. “I think you can handle that.”

 

 

 


End file.
